yellow
4.01.2009
It is grey, cloudy, and pouring rain outdoors, yet for the first time in a year and a half, I see sunlight. It's because I want to stay in the yellow. I want to be enriched with the warmth of the sun and the happiness they bring.
For a year and a half, despite the many times I have denied it, I've been indulging myself in worldly pleasures, which is, ironically, against everything I believe in. It was in this time of weakness where I let temporary things take place of what could have been long-term supply of happiness and contentment. I fooled myself into thinking that it was okay to be happy one day, then guilty and unhappy the next. I allowed myself to think that I was able to pull through without the help of God --i neglected Him. And for so long, I was lost.
Finally, after God's many, many attempts of calling out to me, I stubbornly rolled my eyes and answered. And ever since, it seemed like God's light shot balls of liquid steel, until I was immobile. It was then that I realized how far I've drifted...away from God, away from real heart-felt service, away from family, and away from self-contentment. It's evident enough that I am in ultimate desperation, and I seek God's inspiration and love to fully find my way home again.
The first step is to "choose to be happy" and let it influence everything I say and do. I'm glad to say that with prayer in the picture, it's already working. And surprisingly, it is not a battle.
I bow down,
And I humble myself...
Lord I need your help.
All the material things,
they feel like chains,
If you're not here beside me,
You're the reason why I see
River rise,
carry me back home,
I surrender today.
sincerely, Rm , 2:07 PM,
